The Gizmologist's Lexicon

Thinkage that takes place after a Zonk is usually Stupage, and invariably results in Damage, a Blood Sacrifice, and Supplication.

- The Gizmologist


Armstrong
A fictional brand name applied to a manual tool that replicates the function of a machine tool. An Armstrong Mill, for example, is a file.
Bad Juju
Danger or unnecessary complexity. See Juju.
Beebleflitzer
A wireless remote control. See Flitzer.
Bandage
A bit of rag and duct tape. See Blood Sacrifice.
Bits
Small parts. Usually "bits and bobs". See Bobs.
Blood Sacrifice
An accidental small bleeding injury to the hands that assures the successful completion of a project. Often associated with Damage.
Bobs
Your Uncle. Based on his affinity for Bits, he's either a kleptomaniac or a pervert. See Bits.
C.A.G.E.
Center for Advanced Gizmological Engineering; the workshop of a skilled Gizmologist. For example, "I'll be in my cage."
Cakecophony
The racket created by a bunch of amateurs singing "Happy Birthday".
Certainty
A state of mind that, when expressed loudly, guarantees failure.
Damage
A destructive event that makes one say "Damn!"
Dumaflinji
A gizmo. (DOOM-a-flin-gee)
Entropy Spike
A particularly vicious manifestation of Murphy's Law.
Fargle
To screw up.
First Aid Kit
Duct tape and paper towels.
Flitzer
A small tool, often an infrared remote control, which is used briefly but often.
Gizmo
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
Gizmology
The science, art, body of knowledge, and mental disorder pertaining to the study and use of gizmos. See Gizmo.
Gollywhopper
A big hammer. See Tappity.
Ignoranus
An asshole who doesn't know shit. Most of these go into Politricks.
Juju
Potential.
Lifetime Guarantee
A promise made by a manufacturer to have the customer killed when the product breaks.
Lobotomy Box
Television.
Lubricated
A state of advanced mental dexterity, usually illusory, resulting from the ingestion of a fermented lubricant, such as beer.
Lubricaged
A state of incarceration resulting from the misuse of fermented lubricants.
Lubrified
Heavily lubricated.
Lubrifried
VERY heavily lubricated.
Magic Smoke
A mystical substance trapped within electronic components that makes them work. If the Magic Smoke escapes, the part needs replacing.
Percussive Maintenance
A good whack.
Politricks
The fine art of a) lying to all of the people, all of the time; b) making Draconian laws regarding things about which absolutely nothing is known; and c) taking people's money for their own good. Politricks in the U.S. is divided into two indistinguishable parties, the Stupid Party and the Evil Party. The continued existence of the U.S. is entirely due to the incompetence of it's politricians.
Pocket Parts
The inevitable bits and bobs left over after re-assembly.
Positive
Wrong ... publicly.
Rascalator
Any reciprocating part, such as a piston or rocker arm. Also Rascalizer.
Runge
To search in a disorganized fashion.
Shit
Your stuff. See stuff.
Stuff
My shit. See shit.
Stupage
Thinkage that contains a huge error.
Supplication
A humble and ernest petition to the powers-that-be for assistance in the performance of a difficult operation. Consists entirely of four-letter words shouted at the top of one's lungs and accompanied by thrown objects.
Tappety
A small hammer. See Gollywhopper.
Thinkage
Large amounts of intensive thought put into solving a problem, usually when one should be doing something else.
Unobtainium
A material, the physical properties of which exceed any material available. Elemental symbol No.
Unonymous
When no one knows who anyone is.
Unknownium
A material, the composition of which is unknown. Elemental symbol Hm.
Weirdity
Thinkage following too little sleep.
Zipper Wheel
An abrasive or cutting wheel for removing material. Also, the little sparkey wheel on a Zippo.
Zonk
Mental exhaustion. Similar to "bonk" in mountain-biker lingo, only mental. Thinkage that takes place after a Zonk is usually Stupage, and results in Damage, a Blood Sacrifice, and Supplication.

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© 2003 W. E. Johns